Trying to get things under control, and the only thing that comes to mind is the phrase "control is an illusion" and the quote by Thomas Merton "I cannot make the universe obey me. I cannot make other people conform to my own whims and fancies. I cannot make even my own body obey me."
How many times in the last two weeks have I spoken with my stomach? "Stop hurting! I don't need that much stomach acid--I haven't been able to eat more than one almond at a time for the last week and a half! What are you doing? OK, now you decide to behave--church is over!" Everything is out of control, and I'm really struggling with what to do about it if I can do anything.
Just now, I swallowed one of those horse pills they call prenatal vitamins. I'm supposed to take these for the baby which is currently the size of a bean, so I put them down my throat like a good girl and it's as likely as not that they'll just come right back up again in no time. The most frustrating thing about being pregnant in the first trimester is that I want to complain almost more than I'll want to complain throughout the entire rest of the pregnancy, and I'm not supposed to tell anyone. All I can say, in the code words of one my friends whose trying to get pregnant, "I'm feeling rather poorly today."

morning sickness

I am so miserable. I just want to complain for a minute or two if that's all right. I am sick to my stomach, sometimes violently, all day and even through the night. I wake up several times at night sick and hungry, and all day long, I feel that I need to eat, but my gag reflex is too strong. It is horrible. I just sit around all the time watching movies and trying to work when I can. I missed church, and I'm starting to get really depressed. Vitamins B would probably help with the depression, but they are too hard on my poor little stomach. I'm so bloated, I don't feel comfortable in my jeans or shorts, so I'm lounging around in my sweats, hot and sweaty all day and night. I've tried to at least shower each day if I can, but I can't stay standing upright long enough to do my hair and makeup. Bryan loves me anyway, but I wish this didn't have to last six weeks or longer. Pregnancy is so miserable so far! I can't wait until these two months are over so I can feel good again and have energy and no nausea. How the heck am I going to make it through? The days seem to crawl by slowly, so slowly. Even though I have tons of time, I can't seem to focus on anything useful because I'm so sick to my stomach. All I can think about is how to relieve the nausea. Should I eat or not eat? Cheese? Milk? Salmon? Saltine crackers? Argh!! I keep wanting to go to bed earlier and earlier because i keep feeling worse and worse but the nights bring no relief. I wake up to the shock of the nausea every couple of hours some nights. The best nights, I sleep only halfway through, waking up only once. I'm so exhausted. I can have a good attitude most of the time, but right now, I'm miserable, and I just want to complain. I think this is helping. Thanks for listening.